I was 19 when I met my now ex-husband. I was young, in my freshman year in college, and wanted to be in love.
I noticed him looking at me at a wedding, and I thought he was cute. Y’know, for a Pakistani, Muslim guy who checked off all the boxes that my parents would care about. And in all honesty, I cared about. I didn’t know any better.
One thing led to another and we got engaged one year later!
Shortly after our engagement, I started to notice red flags. For the integrity of our current relationship and the fact that we share custody of our son, I won’t go into the details. The key point here is that there were a TON of red flags, and I ignored Every. Single. One. We almost cancelled the wedding but that would’ve brought “too much shame to both of our families”, so we got married.
One year in to our marriage, I wanted to leave. I knew in my heart that this wasn’t right and we both needed something different. But I couldn’t leave. Divorce was off the table for our families, because that’s not the kind of thing people do in our culture. “Divorce was for other people, who didn’t respect their parents or the values they grew up with.”
Another two years into it, I gave birth to Q, and I thought maybe things would change. They didn’t. Things got SO BAD for me that it started to impact my mental and physical health. And that was my tipping point. I found all the courage I had and decided to move forward with my divorce. At that point, my son was 14-month old son. I didn’t care what my parents said. I didn’t care what other people would think. I didn’t care about the shame it would bring. I cared about my life and the future I wanted to give my son.
My divorce recovery felt like a roller coaster ride. I felt so guilty and experienced shame about being divorced for a long time. I would envy other couples and would often wonder if I would be alone forever. I was happy I wasn’t married to my ex but I desperately wanted companionship. The cultural stigma was relentless, and I avoided so many community events.
Then there came a time I decided to stop being a victim to my divorce. The story I was telling myself no longer served me and this required massive mindset changes and tremendous self-growth. It required me to think differently, feel differently, and act differently in all areas of my life.
When I finally overcame my fears, finally had healed my heart, and finally dared to dream, I met my now-husband, Brian. We couldn’t be more different from the outside but on the inside, we share the same core values. He is my best friend and together we are raising our two boys. I’m not going to lie, trusting again and loving again was a process, but the reward was beyond worth it. Now we are living our dream life, in our new house, raising our boys and making some of the most beautiful memories, ever.
Divorce sucks. Nobody goes into marriage thinking it’s going to end. But sometimes, the best thing to do is walk away. My goal and mission is to support women like you in your divorce healing journey. To guide you through the process, to serve as a mentor to help you manage your mind drama, and be your cheerleader when the light in your life feels too dim. To help you rebuild your confidence, to remind you of your dreams and invoke the courage to finally pursue them, and most importantly, create space for you to transform from being divorced to rebirthing a new life.
I encourage you to think differently and see what happens for you! I’d love to hear from you and share what dreams you have for yourself. Comment below!
With love,
Sy
Author Credits - Syeda Neary
You can follow her work at https://www.sythedivorcecoach.com/
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